


Transformation

by Loth-Cat (Starbird)



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mention of The Ceremony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 03:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17932163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbird/pseuds/Loth-Cat
Summary: Nick and June’s love scenes from the show.





	Transformation

**Author's Note:**

> Since no one else will write it, and I really want to see it… ;) xP
> 
> Also, thanks to [@aperture](https://aperture.tumblr.com) for the script notes. They helped a lot!

Serena Joy is a pervert.

She’d hurried me to Nick’s apartment that afternoon like promised, like contraband. I suppose I was. He answered the door after only a moment, and I looked around his place, not wanting to make eye contact. He stood off to the side, and Serena fucking _stood there too_.

 _She’s not…she won’t…_ I thought.

Oh yes she was.

Why did she have to be so polite? “Hello, Nick,” all grace and smiles. “Hey,” he’d replied, like, _Here I am to do your bidding._

Here I am, too, Serena. Super excited you’re ruining this. It’s something I’ve thought about, and yes, I’m excited in a tiny way, a weird way, but I’m also mad, because Serena had the _fucking gall_ to take this from me. From us.

“So, uh, do we, uh… Do we pray first?”

Nick is trying to be proper about this. He’s nervous, too. Maybe even horrified. Disgusted?

“No,” Serena says, and she even looks awkward herself. “There’s no time.” She is silent a moment, then turns, gestures slightly toward the bed. “Please.”

So fucking polite.

It’s that moment that I realize she’s going to stand there. She’s going to fucking _stand there_ while this happens. Why…? It’s one thing for her to be there during The Ceremony. That’s biblical and sanctified and sacred and some other shit. She’s supposed to be there. So we can be _like one_ and my head can ram her vagina every time her disgusting husband rams into me. But now that she’s subjecting me to this, why does she feel like she needs to be a part of it? Is she afraid there’s going to be some funny business? That we might enjoy it because we are two normal people who might – how scandalous! – possibly still enjoy sex if given the opportunity? What an awful thought.

I walk slowly over to Nick’s bed while he stands there looking like he would rather be anywhere else because this probably goes against everything he believes in. He’s not an asshole, and this whole set-up is just so bizarre.

Nick follows, stopping a couple paces behind me. He’s close. I feel…I feel concern radiating off him. I swear I feel his anxious heartbeat along with mine.

I sit on the bed. Look at him. Metal clinks as he unbuckles. Little teeth whisk apart as he unzips. I see Serena Joy in the background, glancing, just for a moment before looking away.

_Why._

I think about Luke, and I wish I didn’t.

I assume the position, trying not to look at Nick, but I can’t help it. I don’t want Serena to get the wrong impression (even if it’s right). It’ll be nice not having someone holding my wrists down, at least.

Nick has a boring ceiling.

I didn’t bother wearing any underwear here. No point, and just another awkward moment.

Nick raises my dress a little bit – no flicking it up with disinterest like the Commander does. I feel naked now, more naked than during The Ceremony. _That_ I’ve become used to, but this…feels different. Even though to Serena it is basically the same thing. Just a simple insemination. That’s all. She just needs somebody, anybody, to knock me up. Doesn’t really matter who.

I feel awkward again. Nick seems to take a lot of time to find the right place. I wonder why. Certainly he’s been with a woman before. It’s not like I’m his first and he’s some blushing virgin boy. I doubt I’m even his second or third. I wish this were happening any other way than this. It’s something I’ve thought about before – never thought it would actually happen, of course – and this is just not the way I thought it could go.

I don’t even flinch when I feel him finally enter me. Don’t gasp, don’t cry out. Don’t make any sort of sound or even twitch a muscle. I’m so used to it by now. Lie down and take it. But…with him…it just… My heart does leap into my throat. It feels so much better than what’s going to happen tonight. It’s different. Every man is different, sure, but it’s… _different_.

Why the fuck is Serena still here? She is such a conservative rightist prude. I don’t see why she’d want to be in the room while two people get it on, I really don’t. Literally, two people in a room, fucking, and she’s there for it.

Guess that really isn’t what it is for her.

Nick and I are not a couple making love. We’re not two horny kids boning in my childhood bedroom hoping my parents don’t come home early. We’re not even a hot hook-up from a bar fucking at his apartment.

We’re not even having sex, not really.

We are trying to procreate.

Fuck Serena. That’s all the fuck there is right now.

Nick and I occasionally glance at each other. He looks torn to pieces about this. I feel bad for him. This is my normal (Aunt Lydia was right), so it’s really no big deal to me, but he wasn’t expecting this. Serena is using him just as she always uses me. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who’d just jump at any opportunity to get laid.

He likes me. He respects me.

This is not how he would’ve wanted this to go, either.

I scan around Nick’s room and see a framed picture of him and someone else on his counter. Then I look back at Nick, and his eyes catch mine again. For a moment, we simply hold each other’s gaze.

He lets out a breath and looks down, and he visibly changes. I glimpse Serena behind him again. He’d been gentle, but now, his pace picks up, and suddenly, we’re near the end of this whole shenanigan (sooner than I expected, too).

He’s lost control.

I can hear it in his breathing, feel it in the way his body moves. Electricity sizzles through mine, lighting it up, and I wish we had more time (more _privacy_ , thank you, Serena). I want to hold him, want to wrap my legs around his waist, want to press closer, want to –

Nick’s breath draws in sharply, and my hand snaps up to his biceps, grabbing onto him for just a second as he comes. Just as quickly, I recall myself and drop my hand down, watching as his skin flushes again from where I’d pressed too hard.

He looks back at me. Checking on me.

He looks away. Ashamed.

He recovers for only a moment, swiftly straightening up and turning away as he pulls his pants up. I press my dress between my thighs, and I sit up, holding onto my headcap. I’m breathing a little hard. 

Serena and I leave the apartment.

I feel it as we hurry back, my heart hammering. I feel his cum, warm and slick on my thighs, and maybe I should’ve grabbed underwear after all. Part of me is surprised – I had half-thought he might fake it, and I wouldn’t have blamed him one bit.

My mind is churning, racing as fast as my heart. I feel a hint of what I used to feel with other lovers when they climaxed: that same excitement, that orgasm by proxy, as it were, relishing their pleasure as my own. My heart sprints with anxiety: what if Waterford finds out? Fear propels my heart: What if I really _do_ become pregnant?

What if I _don’t_?

What does Nick wish for?

“All clear,” Serena says after checking the house for fundamentalist Christian rapists. “You should go and lie down now. How do you feel? Do you feel any different?”

She ruins my thoughts as she always does and I snap, “You don’t just feel pregnant thirty seconds after a man comes.” Immediately she advances on me. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.”

But Serena is not mad. Serena touches my belly like her fingers are sperm magnets and going to get it to any waiting eggs faster, and she spouts Scripture.

I go back upstairs. I lie on my bed.

My thighs are still wet and sticky.

I don’t mind it.

I don’t feel sick like I always do with the Commander. I don’t feel right, but I don’t feel repulsed.

I feel…like I want more.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [@sharkraybay](https://sharkraybay.tumblr.com)! Come say hi and scream about this amazing show and ship with me!! <3


End file.
